To Awaken
Soren Kierkegaard was a 19th century Philosopher known to some as the “Father of Existentialism.” In one account, he talked about a man who was shocked to find his name in the obituary. The man hadn’t realized he had died. Kierkengaard goes on to explain how the man lived an unawakened life and his lack of presence made him unaware of his own life force.
In my young adult years I believed Earth was some sort of hell. Our time here was penance filled with uncomfortable feelings and harmful relationships. I imagined death to be a weightless release of our sentience. Peace. For me, life felt too heavy from shouldering all this existential dread.
I didn’t fully understand my dread, I felt as if my surface life was how it should be. I was going to college, working in a profession that defined my strengths all while exploring young adult relationships. Sure, things got fucked up here and there, like flunking out of Nursing School or being sexually assaulted by a “friend”. No matter my current circumstance, existence was dreadful and life way heavy. I asked myself-What was the point?!
Existential Crisis refers to a form of inner conflict. It is characterized by the impression that life lacks meaning and is accompanied by various negative experiences, such as stress, anxiety, despair, and depression.
By 21, I was lost in the existential dread of a young adult faced with failure. Unsure what to do after failing Nursing School, my Philosophy 101 Professor encouraged me to continue my education. Dr. Abbarno carried himself in kindness, with brilliant blue eyes and a gentle demeanor. He recognized my potential when I could not. Instead of forfeiting my college education, he suggested I finish my degree in Philosophy. I felt something pull at me, I trusted this old gentle man and followed that gut feeling. Thereafter, he became my advisor and I continued my major in Philosophy.
By the end of my college career I had become president of the Philosophy Club and proudly organized lectures on death in dying in various graveyards. To say the least, I was INTO it. So much so, that I was inspired to get a tattoo down my spine that read “Noce Te Ipsum.” It translates to know thy self, famously stated by the Philosopher King himself, Socrates.
The Philosophy of Know Thy Self sounds simple. Abby likes “x” but doesn’t like “y”. However, it's more of a dynamic operational manual for the self. If Abby does “x” then she will feel inspired to do “y”. As curiosity for myself grew I realized I did not know much about myself in this world.
One day, I found myself sitting in Dr. Abbarno’s office. We were chatting about my final semester when he suggested an alternative to my thesis paper. He recognized pursuing a Philosophy degree is like one continuous thesis paper. We agreed that finishing my degree with a yet another paper felt redundant. We brainstormed on an alternative and agreed it was time to experience this world outside of college, outside of myself.
I did not want to study abroad because I simply could not afford it. He suggested a few volunteer programs that covered room and board as long as you got yourself there. I always wanted to see ancient temples, knew a bit of Spanish, and was currently working in a pediatric ER. So, I ended up settling on an organization that provided medical assistant at various orphanages in Peru.
I spent the summer traveling around Lima’s impoverished orphanages giving medical support to children and adults with disabilities. I worked in slum neighborhoods and understaffed hospitals. I traveled to ancient temples, visited the local pasteleria daily and met strangers who quickly became friends.
My time there was a whirlwind, but one moment really stuck out to me.
I was sent out to assist a family in moving from their substandard housing, to an actual home. This would be their first time living with running water, floors, and walls made from stone rather than plastic and mud.
Honestly, I really wasn’t useful because there were more than enough neighbors to assist with the few belongings this family possessed. Instead, I chatted with some residents about the move. They were proud of the young family.
Suddenly, a shrieking woman caught my attention. She held her baby on her hip and had her fingers in its mouth. At first I assumed the baby was choking and quickly made my way over to assist. As I approached, I realized my emergency medical brain assumed incorrectly. She was rejoicing, it was her babies first tooth. Others began to gather to awe and congratulate the mother.
The love in this community was palpable. I was humbled by how supportive and kind this community was despite how little they possessed.
It was a simple thing really, but it caught me off guard. I was surrounded by people who lived on very little resources yet possessed so much life. The compassion and support in that community was beyond anything I experienced, and it brought me to tears.
That moment awoke something inside me. Since then, I strive to have less things and more love, connection and experience. Continuously engaging the “less is more” mindset has caused my existential dread to melt away. I feel like I was once sleeping through life, days spent dreaming of what I could have/be/do. At 32, I can feel myself changing. My energy follows my curiosity. I effortlessly follow that curiosity with the little belonging I possess. I remind myself every day how good it feels to be alive and free. I sit in the present moment, good or bad, and observe those feelings. I feel as if I’ve awoken to life now. I imagine if I were to die tomorrow that I would not be surprised to read my own obituary, but nostalgic and grateful.
